Punctual as ever, Facey McStublington swaggers up to the door of LMA Headquarters in all his bearded prettiness. After playfully trying to digest the LMA mascot kitty and hit balls into the faces of young children (also playfully and while playing indoor cricket), he sits down to have an in depth conversation about SLAM (slam rally.org) and all the hairy goodness that comes with being one of the renowned representatives of facial hair.
The Beards had an absolute cracker of a year in 2012, for those that don’t know, what’s been happening?
The Beards have been growing beards. I’m growing one right now! I noticed you don’t have a beard which makes me sick to my ass!
LMA saw you at Big Day Out last Friday, you rocked and drew an awesome crowd. How do you think that went?
Yeah it was really good actually. I was – me, Facey McStublington – I was more nervous than I have been for ages for some reason. It’s probably because we had a long summer off as Johann (Beardraven) had taken beard leave to try and make his beard grow longer. As the front man there are certain standards and expectations, and he just felt he needed some time to get a little thicker and a little bushier. He’s gone away and he’s done that, and it’s really paid off and really translated well on Friday as you saw, it turned out to be a really good show and I think we played songs about beards very well!
I saw a few females in the front row with beards, how is that happening? Do you think the music is enhancing the growth of facial hair on females as well?
Definitely! I am not going to call anyone with a beard a fake, but some of those female ones did look as though they may have been externally put on. Either way I can support that because, worst case scenario, it hides their stupid beardless faces from our gaze so we don’t have to look at them.
MusicSA have become very attracted to your beards I’ve noticed! You’ve been selected to play as part of the MusicSA/Clipsal initiative “Bands On Track” which is a great showcase for local talent. You will be sharing a stage at Clipsal 500 with KISS and MOTLEY CRUE who are beardless. How do you feel about that?
AWFUL!!! Nah, it's just like any other gig. It’s heartening and its fun to have an opportunity to show these bands what being a band is really all about – having a beard. That is what it’s all about! KISS, at least they do the drawing on thing and cover up their stupid beardless faces with make up, which is nice, it’s a step in the right direction. I think Motley Crue do a similar thing but with drugs. I’m really not sure what happened there, but as you know The Beards don’t do drugs, we just do beards. But we’re really looking forward to the opportunity! I’m sure there’ll be lots of people there and we can spread our propaganda further than we would otherwise, which is nice.
Talking about SLAM, how did SLAM come about and what exactly is it?
SLAM as far as I know is an organization about Beards, and they are trying to get across the same message that The Beards have, which is, through live Australian music, we can all work together to create a more bearded society. I’m pretty sure that’s right!
In the process of the Live Music Agreement being negotiated, there was a statement announced that live music does NOT cause violence. What are Facey’s thoughts on this?
Some music does insight some violence, you know. We in The Beards are not backward about coming forward about being violent toward the beardless. At the same time we have this positive message within OUR live music that you should grow a beard. Then you would circumvent any violence that may be coming toward you. So yeah, I’d still say that those findings are correct, and we, The Beards, are doing all that we can to prevent any violence happening.
So just grow a beard and you’ll be safe…
Exactly! Exactly! And if you don’t grow a beard you’re not safe from me, Facey McStublington. I’m coming for you. I’ll end you!
The Beards are a great choice of ambassador for SLAM, you’ve done a lot of touring and a lot of live performances. How much of an effect do you think live performance has on album and merchandise sales for The Beards as well as increasing your fan base?
Without having hard numbers it’s definitely true that we sell more merchandise at gigs than online and stuff. We also make a real effort to do signings afterward. You go to the merch desk and do signings. People want to come over and say G’Day, get a signature and that definitely helps sales. I don’t think enough bands do that and its just such an easy tool. I mean, you come off stage and you want to put your feet up or what ever, but even on the weekend we played in Tamworth, and we were at the signing desk for twice as long as the gig itself! You’ve really gotta look at it as part of ‘the job’ and at the end of the day you’re only working for 3 hours, which is pretty good compared to most jobs.
But definitely live music contributes massively to sales, especially in the age of the intraweb. LIVE!
The Beards had an absolute cracker of a year in 2012, for those that don’t know, what’s been happening?
The Beards have been growing beards. I’m growing one right now! I noticed you don’t have a beard which makes me sick to my ass!
LMA saw you at Big Day Out last Friday, you rocked and drew an awesome crowd. How do you think that went?
Yeah it was really good actually. I was – me, Facey McStublington – I was more nervous than I have been for ages for some reason. It’s probably because we had a long summer off as Johann (Beardraven) had taken beard leave to try and make his beard grow longer. As the front man there are certain standards and expectations, and he just felt he needed some time to get a little thicker and a little bushier. He’s gone away and he’s done that, and it’s really paid off and really translated well on Friday as you saw, it turned out to be a really good show and I think we played songs about beards very well!
I saw a few females in the front row with beards, how is that happening? Do you think the music is enhancing the growth of facial hair on females as well?
Definitely! I am not going to call anyone with a beard a fake, but some of those female ones did look as though they may have been externally put on. Either way I can support that because, worst case scenario, it hides their stupid beardless faces from our gaze so we don’t have to look at them.
MusicSA have become very attracted to your beards I’ve noticed! You’ve been selected to play as part of the MusicSA/Clipsal initiative “Bands On Track” which is a great showcase for local talent. You will be sharing a stage at Clipsal 500 with KISS and MOTLEY CRUE who are beardless. How do you feel about that?
AWFUL!!! Nah, it's just like any other gig. It’s heartening and its fun to have an opportunity to show these bands what being a band is really all about – having a beard. That is what it’s all about! KISS, at least they do the drawing on thing and cover up their stupid beardless faces with make up, which is nice, it’s a step in the right direction. I think Motley Crue do a similar thing but with drugs. I’m really not sure what happened there, but as you know The Beards don’t do drugs, we just do beards. But we’re really looking forward to the opportunity! I’m sure there’ll be lots of people there and we can spread our propaganda further than we would otherwise, which is nice.
Talking about SLAM, how did SLAM come about and what exactly is it?
SLAM as far as I know is an organization about Beards, and they are trying to get across the same message that The Beards have, which is, through live Australian music, we can all work together to create a more bearded society. I’m pretty sure that’s right!
In the process of the Live Music Agreement being negotiated, there was a statement announced that live music does NOT cause violence. What are Facey’s thoughts on this?
Some music does insight some violence, you know. We in The Beards are not backward about coming forward about being violent toward the beardless. At the same time we have this positive message within OUR live music that you should grow a beard. Then you would circumvent any violence that may be coming toward you. So yeah, I’d still say that those findings are correct, and we, The Beards, are doing all that we can to prevent any violence happening.
So just grow a beard and you’ll be safe…
Exactly! Exactly! And if you don’t grow a beard you’re not safe from me, Facey McStublington. I’m coming for you. I’ll end you!
The Beards are a great choice of ambassador for SLAM, you’ve done a lot of touring and a lot of live performances. How much of an effect do you think live performance has on album and merchandise sales for The Beards as well as increasing your fan base?
Without having hard numbers it’s definitely true that we sell more merchandise at gigs than online and stuff. We also make a real effort to do signings afterward. You go to the merch desk and do signings. People want to come over and say G’Day, get a signature and that definitely helps sales. I don’t think enough bands do that and its just such an easy tool. I mean, you come off stage and you want to put your feet up or what ever, but even on the weekend we played in Tamworth, and we were at the signing desk for twice as long as the gig itself! You’ve really gotta look at it as part of ‘the job’ and at the end of the day you’re only working for 3 hours, which is pretty good compared to most jobs.
But definitely live music contributes massively to sales, especially in the age of the intraweb. LIVE!
A lot of other bands also say that’s where all the merch and album sales happen, and consequently it earns them more profit than the ticket sales themselves so its easily a beneficial way to get yourself out there, promote yourself, promote your beards, plus people get to molest your beards then too, correct?
They do in fact molest us, which of course we’re fine with! Totally fine!
As ambassadors what are The Beards doing to bring attention to SLAM?
We are playing live Australian music. We are SLAMming the live Australian music down the throats of the punters. We’re pretty much constantly touring, this year we have two months out of twelve off, and in that time off, we’ll be playing live music in our houses!
The official SLAM Day is 23rd of Feb, do you have a gig that day?
SLAM Day, we have a gig at the Parkwood Tavern at the Gold Coast. I think it’s for the Uni O-Ball up there. As you know they’ve just had some pretty tragic weather, houses turned over and the like. So hopefully that will help raise their spirits by singing songs about beards! YES! Well, I guess I’m hoping the Parkwood tavern is still there, which, if not, I guess we’ll just do the gig next to a tree, an overturned tree. Either way we’ll be playing live music!! The BEARDS! Saving the world one gig at a time!
Coming back to South Australia, what are some of the improvements and adjustments that could be made to help save the live music scene?
I’m struggling not to be silly about this one as it’s a pretty important one (takes a long pause to gaze out the window)…
I think South Australia in particular needs to band together more. I feel like it’s a little bit more fractionated, where-as, the WAMi’s for example, they’ve got one big head body, and they sell themselves very well and even get their awards telecast on triple j and stuff. South Australia could do that! I remember last year I went to the SAMi’s and it was a bbq behind 3D (radio station), which is fine, it was a good BBQ, but we could probably do more!
If Arts SA and MusicSA and everyone was together and fighting the one cause it would be much more efficient. Everyone together. All the media’s too. If we all just worked together and supported our local live music I think that would be a step in the right direction.
Well there is a bit of a push going on, I know some banded together to form the Fowlers Live music awards last year…
Yeah that was a great success! We were on tour at the time so we weren’t there but we won an award for best clip which was great, and I heard it was a great success!
But I also heard that The Killgirls played afterward and most people left! So if we are trying to save live Australian music, maybe at these awards we could stick around for the live Australian music! 60% of The Killgirls have beards! An interesting side note! Get behind them! They're doing their bit!
What is live music all about for Facey McStublington?
Spreading bearded propoganda, and getting chicks, with beards.
Does it work for you?
Yeah there are not many chicks with beards! I met this one girl with a beard and it was awesome! In the throws of passion later in the evening I gave it a bit of a tug, and low and behold, the thing came off!! So I asked her to leave, but I kept the beard! Me and that beard we had a good time that night! Needless to say it came off second best, if you know what I mean. I’ve kept it as a souvenir of that time, it’s a little worse for wear though.
Can you describe your idea of what the world would be like without live music?
I think it would be ( serious contemplation pause again…) If I had to answer in one word I think it would be, grey. Mmm. Grey.
That’s a short but very adequate description! BUT, what would you rather suffer through, a world without live music, or a world without beards?
Facey McStublington’s gotta say a world without music. But think about it this way, if everyone had beards, we wouldn’t have to play music! Our job would be done! We could put our feet up and relax in the utopia that we have created. BANG! Next question!
But without live performance there would be no need for stage lighting, which gives beards that beautiful coloured glow. How else would you admire them?
Mirrors. I once met David Copperfield and I asked him his secret. He said mirrors, and he was right! So I went and got a mirror and I could see my own beard! I was like “David Copperfield, you diabolical bastard!”
Just get some stage lighting, you don’t need music! Just get some lighting and mirrors!
You could also play recordings of The Beards while you do it?
Yeah, just have that on loop, I like where you’re going with that, youre quite right. It’s not live, but at the end of the day its ok if we’ve all got beards.
Also that's what I said to David Copperfield before I killed him!
He doesn’t have a beard, does he?
No, he doesn’t anymore! I gave him the ultimate disappearing trick!** I cant say anything more that will incriminate me, except to say that he is maybe in Black Hill somewhere, Athelstone district, and maybe some buzzards have got to him.
Ok, well that brings us to the end of the interview! Thank you so much for coming by to talk to us about these very important issues!
No worries, thanks for your time!
Interview by Melissa Donato
**No David Copperfields were harmed by Facey McStublington at any stage.
They do in fact molest us, which of course we’re fine with! Totally fine!
As ambassadors what are The Beards doing to bring attention to SLAM?
We are playing live Australian music. We are SLAMming the live Australian music down the throats of the punters. We’re pretty much constantly touring, this year we have two months out of twelve off, and in that time off, we’ll be playing live music in our houses!
The official SLAM Day is 23rd of Feb, do you have a gig that day?
SLAM Day, we have a gig at the Parkwood Tavern at the Gold Coast. I think it’s for the Uni O-Ball up there. As you know they’ve just had some pretty tragic weather, houses turned over and the like. So hopefully that will help raise their spirits by singing songs about beards! YES! Well, I guess I’m hoping the Parkwood tavern is still there, which, if not, I guess we’ll just do the gig next to a tree, an overturned tree. Either way we’ll be playing live music!! The BEARDS! Saving the world one gig at a time!
Coming back to South Australia, what are some of the improvements and adjustments that could be made to help save the live music scene?
I’m struggling not to be silly about this one as it’s a pretty important one (takes a long pause to gaze out the window)…
I think South Australia in particular needs to band together more. I feel like it’s a little bit more fractionated, where-as, the WAMi’s for example, they’ve got one big head body, and they sell themselves very well and even get their awards telecast on triple j and stuff. South Australia could do that! I remember last year I went to the SAMi’s and it was a bbq behind 3D (radio station), which is fine, it was a good BBQ, but we could probably do more!
If Arts SA and MusicSA and everyone was together and fighting the one cause it would be much more efficient. Everyone together. All the media’s too. If we all just worked together and supported our local live music I think that would be a step in the right direction.
Well there is a bit of a push going on, I know some banded together to form the Fowlers Live music awards last year…
Yeah that was a great success! We were on tour at the time so we weren’t there but we won an award for best clip which was great, and I heard it was a great success!
But I also heard that The Killgirls played afterward and most people left! So if we are trying to save live Australian music, maybe at these awards we could stick around for the live Australian music! 60% of The Killgirls have beards! An interesting side note! Get behind them! They're doing their bit!
What is live music all about for Facey McStublington?
Spreading bearded propoganda, and getting chicks, with beards.
Does it work for you?
Yeah there are not many chicks with beards! I met this one girl with a beard and it was awesome! In the throws of passion later in the evening I gave it a bit of a tug, and low and behold, the thing came off!! So I asked her to leave, but I kept the beard! Me and that beard we had a good time that night! Needless to say it came off second best, if you know what I mean. I’ve kept it as a souvenir of that time, it’s a little worse for wear though.
Can you describe your idea of what the world would be like without live music?
I think it would be ( serious contemplation pause again…) If I had to answer in one word I think it would be, grey. Mmm. Grey.
That’s a short but very adequate description! BUT, what would you rather suffer through, a world without live music, or a world without beards?
Facey McStublington’s gotta say a world without music. But think about it this way, if everyone had beards, we wouldn’t have to play music! Our job would be done! We could put our feet up and relax in the utopia that we have created. BANG! Next question!
But without live performance there would be no need for stage lighting, which gives beards that beautiful coloured glow. How else would you admire them?
Mirrors. I once met David Copperfield and I asked him his secret. He said mirrors, and he was right! So I went and got a mirror and I could see my own beard! I was like “David Copperfield, you diabolical bastard!”
Just get some stage lighting, you don’t need music! Just get some lighting and mirrors!
You could also play recordings of The Beards while you do it?
Yeah, just have that on loop, I like where you’re going with that, youre quite right. It’s not live, but at the end of the day its ok if we’ve all got beards.
Also that's what I said to David Copperfield before I killed him!
He doesn’t have a beard, does he?
No, he doesn’t anymore! I gave him the ultimate disappearing trick!** I cant say anything more that will incriminate me, except to say that he is maybe in Black Hill somewhere, Athelstone district, and maybe some buzzards have got to him.
Ok, well that brings us to the end of the interview! Thank you so much for coming by to talk to us about these very important issues!
No worries, thanks for your time!
Interview by Melissa Donato
**No David Copperfields were harmed by Facey McStublington at any stage.
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